a fat, queer, disabled experience

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tw: fatphobia, eating, eating disorders, body shaming, ableism, bullying, violence mention [[start]] skip to [[end]]

choose your body type: [[fat]] [[very fat]] [[super fat]]

[[great choice!]]

"why are you wearing that?" they never quite fit right... why do they never carry my size? i want to buy new clothes, but i'm afraid. what if i try all of these clothes on and none of them fit? how embarrassing i guess i have enough to wear at home :( it's getting old but at least it fits [[and also]]

i'm proud of you [[and also]]

(this one will be tough for me to write) "why are you eating so much?" "why are you eating so fast?" "i'm going to put a lock on the pantry and the fridge. you need to control yourself" i hope my parents never find this okay. i need to eat slowly or everyone will judge and/or comment about my eating habits. why do i always try to avoid first dates involving food? what if i eat too quickly and they are grossed out? [[and also]] [[why am i losing weight]]

i can't eat any more i don't want to lose weight i love <3 being big... finally but the medicine makes it so hard remember when you went home after losing all that weight because you couldn't eat? and people said that you looked so good? what a fucking terrible feeling. [[eating]]

i'm sorry things have been hard for you [[clothes]] [[eating]] [[body]]

why do i keep coming home from school with all these bruises? i know why, but why??? because of my body? the way it is shaped? does being a different size warrant violence? [[and also]] [[what about the other aspects of my body/mind?]]

what if i am [[disabled?]] what if i am noticeably [[queer?]] what if i am [[both?]]

were you born with this? did you develop this recently? [[do you have multiple disabilities that developed at varying points of your life; some from birth, some from trauma, some from being forced to constantly work to survive?]]

will i be subjected to even more violence? this time because of a different part of me that i have no control over-- it is just the way i am. [[disabled?]]

[[what age would you like to start at?]]

pick one to explore first [[queer?]] [[disabled?]]

[[10 years old]] [[15 years old]] [[20 years old]] for the fastest playthrough

maybe have my section of the story go through childhood and college years and end at meeting someone they are going to enter into a romantic relationship with?? and then anita can pick up from there

do you remember the first time someone in your family told you that you needed to lose weight for a lot of us it happens around this age [[eat less, they say]]

high school! it's an all-boys catholic school, good fucking luck :P [[Lunch]]

time to process everything that happened! if you skipped to this point, you probably either: -are low on time :) i get it! or maybe you just want a quick playthrough. Mood! i get bored clicking through this shit sometimes too OR -you know these experiences all too well. i get that too, and it's hard to relive them. I hope you find joy in the later parts of this story. it'll get better <3 [[what's next?]]

but you're still hungry at the end of the meal every meal should i ask for a second portion? or should i try to sneak some snacks after dinner? [[ask for a second portion]] [[sneak a snack from the pantry]]

"why do you need that?" your mom asks. "you don't always need to eat until you feel full. it's good if you're still hungry after dinner- that way you can lose weight while you sleep." [[you wonder why you need to lose weight]]

[[you walk into the pantry]]

[[ask your mom why]] [[go to sleep hungry]]

"because! nobody will like you if you are fat. you need to start dieting now so that you can be skinny by the time you get to high school... the worst possible thing would be if you grew up and were still fat." (you feel defeated) is there something wrong with the way i am? [[head to your room]]

[[head to your room]]

[[sleep]]

you're finally out of (most) of the situations that caused you all of this trauma but they will always affect you [[all the times you were forced to limit your eating, or when you felt you had to hide how much you ate]]

which snack do you want? [[unopened bag of chips]] [[grab cereal from the top shelf]]

why are these things always so loud? nothing about eating chips is quiet, is it? its like they want me to get in trouble!! your mom hears some part of the chip eating process either the loud plastic bag opening you pouring them into a bowl the crunch and she comes and finds you and says what you know she'll say "why are you eating? you just had dinner!" you sleep hungry and feel ashamed for having human needs [[the next morning]]

it's a bit too high and you can't get a good grip on it. the box falls, cereal spills out on the floor. your mom comes in from the family room and sees the cereal spilled on the floor. "i thought i told you that you couldn't eat any more tonight?" "but i was so hungry" "it doesn't matter." [[the next morning]]

pick somewhere to change into your P.E. uniform: [[the locker room (only a few people change here)]] [[in the gym (where most people change)]] [[in the bathroom (may have to wait, people will ask questions)]]

you eat your lunch one item at a time, leaving the rest inside your bag this way nobody will see how much food you have it's safer to hide it this way nobody will take it nobody will comment on the contents, the portions, etc. finish it quickly go to [[P.E.]] then you can chance where you want to

now it is so hard to eat "regularly" (whatever that means) 2am seems to be the best time to catch up on all the food you missed from the day you still find it hard to eat in public and sometimes there is just nothing you can eat. coffee will kill your appetite [[all the times you had to act a certain way]]

these days- after a lot of hard work on your part (good job!!!)... you are happy with how you look. with how you present. with how you move about the world. other people may not be, but you are. finally. the people that you choose to have around you love you <3 time to try dating!! :P have some fun playing rose truman's dating SIMulator, which chronicles the dating adventures of two fat, queer, disabled characters. have fun! and remember, no matter how that game turns out, there is hope for you ;) https://rosetruman.itch.io/the-dating-simulator

to pass as a man to protect yourself during school so that your existence wouldn't be considered a "sin" thank god you're out of that now all boys school is a terrible place for queer people so violent so much to recover from, to work through, to try to move on from so freeing to escape [[and all of the times nobody took how you felt seriously]]

i'm so sick every meal makes me feel nauseous- am i eating something i'm allergic to? yes many things live in fear of what you eat- it can and will hurt you my back hurts so badly i can barely walk is it broken? short answer: yes, but it won't heal. you were born with the fracture so if i sit weird, don't look twice. pain management comes in many forms!!! you can't judge people and their intentions very well? afraid they might leave? makes sense- none of your friends ever treated you well every person you were close with growing up was awful to you at times and now you (naturally) expect that out of others nobody can see these things, but they impact all of your interactions. [[they change the way you experience the world on a daily basis.]]

change hurry out everyone is already outside how embarrassing i hope nobody says anything... but they will -----, why do you change in the bathroom? too much of a ----- to change out here with the rest of us? i'm not comfortable exposing my body to them they'll comment on my chest the most and say it looks feminine or whatever they grab/twist/smack etc... [[fuck them]]

the most dangerous shirt off in front of everyone? commenting on form (like an english class discussion) a body that is not thin/fit, not as traditionally masculine presenting... does it deserve violence? no does it receive violence? ... why [[fuck them]]

someone is in there the only stall what to do? [[wait ]] [[go to locker room]]

[[walk by the pantry]]

there is a lock on the door this way you can't take any more snacks that'll teach a 10 year old a lesson... right? really think about that or don't it should be pretty obvious don't use the power you have over your (or other people's) children to withhold food from them in order to change the shape of their bodies into a shape you find more acceptable [[continue]]

[[the next morning]]

[[15 years old]]

they're taking a while you finally get in change hurry out everyone is already outside how embarrassing i hope nobody says anything... but they will -----, why do you change in the bathroom? too much of a ----- to change out here with the rest of us? i'm not comfortable exposing my body to them they'll comment on my chest the most and say it looks feminine or whatever they grab/twist/smack etc... [[fuck them]]

[[the locker room (only a few people change here)]]

[[20 years old]]

they change the routines- medication first, then therapy, then work some days you're just not having it you still have to go- and what will you tell them? "hey boss, i'm actually dissociating right now, if i seem distant when you ask me a question i promise i'm still a good worker, i'm just going through it, there's a lot to think about today and someone who hurt me was in a dream i had last night. did you know how vivid my dreams are now? don't fire me pls. all of these things actually happened. it isn't all bad now though. [[end]]